Quotable Cinlach (NEW! 10/25/07)

NEW! 10/25/07

Coworker : Are you at lunch right now?
Me : Well, it’s 12:15 and I’m sitting at my desk surfing the internet and eating a sandwich, what other conclusion could you possibly come up with?

Me : I think someone needs to see a proctologist so they can get their head removed from their ass.

Me : There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to work my alloted time and just go home. I can still be a productive, important, and contributive employee under those circumstances. If not then the fault lies with the company and their philosphy and not with me and mine. People do it everyday, all throughout not only our country but the entire world. Everyone knows it works, why doesn’t it do so here?

Coworker, eyeing my breakfast biscuit : So where’s my biscuit?
Me : At the Hardee’s right down the street, same place mine was.

Me, to coughing co-worker : You ok?
Coughing co-worker : Yeah, just got a tickle in my throat
Me : Well I don’t know the heimlich maneuver but I’ll give it a shot. What’s the worst thing that can possibly happen?
Coughing co-worker : What’s the worst thing that could happen?? I could die you asshole!
Me : No, I meant what’s the worst thing that could happen to me? I mean if I screw the heimlich up then I’d still have plenty of time to perfect it. It’s a low pressure situation as far as I’m concerned.
Coughing co-worker : Cock!

Me after being introduced to a New Co-worker : Hey, you’re getting introductions! You’re lucky, most of the time that doesn’t happen. It’s like someone buying a new goldfish, plopping them in the water and then just walking off. So welcome to the tank I guess.

Office Joke : How many Q.C. guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, we’re used to being in the fucking dark.

To Co-worker : They say the meek shall inherit the earth, but that’s only after the assertive are done with it. After we’re finished with it the meek can have whatever the fuck is left.

To Co-worker : It’s not that a don’t care, it’s just that I’m not interested.

Comment to my wife : Well you know what I always say. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. However, it’s perfectly acceptable to drown the obstinate motherfucker for being such an insufferable prick.”

To Co-worker : If I didn’t work as often as that fucking copier they would’ve replaced me by now.

To Co-worker : Am I the only person who finds it mildly ironic that the copier that stopped working has been replaced by a new copier that’s apparently broken after less then 2 hours of fucking service?

To Co-worker : I need a raise. Not only am I responsible for myself all day long but I’m also apparently responsible for keeping track of G’s every move. I’ve had 7 people ask me where he was and when I told them I didn’t know they looked at me like I was some kind of incompetent asshole. I suppose they want me to radio tag his ear so I can pull up his position on a moments notice with a goddamn GPS satellite tracking system like he was some kind of fucking antelope.

To Co-worker : She came over and explained that in detail as opposed to simply telling you over the phone because she thinks you’re too fucking stupid to understand it otherwise.

To Co-worker : Aahhh…listen as the halls ring with the din of polite laughter. Did you know that everytime someone give a polite laugh somewhere an angel is losing it’s wings?

To Co-worker : If he knew half of what my job entails then I might let him make determinations and decisions concerning my job…as it stands he doesn’t and I don’t. Fuck him.

Co-worker : They’re supposed to be building a shelf to put those folders on.
Me : Yeah well Guns ‘n Roses is supposed to be releasing an album any day now but frankly I’m tired of waiting.

To Co-worker : We’re all assembled and waiting. So if by some strange twist of fate a meeting should suddenly occur then we’re all ready.

To Co-worker : I don’t carry cans of whoop-ass, I tote dehydrated packets instead. That way all I have to do is rip open a package, spit in it and BAM…instant whoop-ass. No fumbling with a bunch of awkward cans for me…packets are the only way to go baby.

To Co-worker : Hey listen, I’m going to need you to go ahead and sign this Bill of Sale for me because as of right now I officially own your punk ass.