The premiere of “Real American Fucktards”!

I was lucky enough to stumble upon a collection of 90 mp3’s for Bud Light’s “Real American Heroes/Men of Genius” radio spots about a week ago. It’s no secret that I love these things, and I feel somewhat disappointed when one comes on the radio and I’ve already heard it.

But as awesome as they are I do feel as though there is still a void when it comes to serenades for truly deserving people…especially when those people do things that make me want to choke the shit out of them.

My reckoning is that these little annoyances are universal, and as such if I find something annoying then most likely a bunch of other people do as well. So let’s see if this works…if not I can always shitcan it.

Cinlach’s Place presents…Real American Fucktards.

     Real American Fucktards!

Today we salute you, Mr. Drive one foot from my bumper with your brightest fucking bright-ass lights on.

     Mr. Drive one foot from my bumper with your brightest fucking bright-ass lights on!

While other drivers on the road practice courtesy and respect for their fellow travelers, you instead insist on lighting the inside of my car like it’s noon in the goddamn Gobi Desert.

     Can I offer you a light?

If only I’d thought to bring my copy of The Count of Monte Cristo with me tonight. Because thanks to your bright fucking headlights, I can read better in the front seat of my car then I ever could have sitting under a lamp at home in my favorite easy chair.

     Sucker! Reading is for squares!

Maybe you’re completely unaware of the fact you’ve got your brights on?

Maybe you just got your headlights aimed and you want to show me what a wonderful job the mechanic did.

     Hey! That mechanic is my cousin!

Whatever the reason is, just know that no nighttime commute would be complete without you blinding us with your 10,000 watt car-mounted spotlight highbeams.

So here’s to you, your Halogen highness. I just hope I can resist the urge to slam on my brakes. Because while it would no doubt damage my car, it’d also sure put those fucking lights out in a big, big hurry.

     Mr. Drive one foot from my bumper with your brightest fucking bright-ass lights on!

A little observation about my single favorite word ever…

As I write this, blasting out the new Metallica song “Broken, Beat, & Scarred” at obscene levels, my mind wanders to a thought I had earlier today about my favorite word ever…fuck.

Those of you who’re lucky, or unlucky…whichever, enough to know me well will find it no surprise that my single favorite word is “fuck”. I mean I fucking love that word.

Well, while most of you are probably very familiar with the word itself and it’s current meaning, I’m willing to bet that most of you are unaware of one of the original meanings of what’s now considered the dirtiest word in the entire English language.

Fuck: [Origin: akin to MD fokken to thrust, copulate with, Sw dial. focka to copulate with, strike, push, fock penis

Now here’s where the aforementioned “little observation” comes in.

Way back in the mists of time, when mighty “fuck” was simple, harmless little “focka”, it was sometimes associated as a more colorful way of saying “hit”.

Fast forward over 500 years. Now, we in modern society are using the word “hit” to intone the word “fuck”. As in “I’d totally hit that”.

It makes me wonder if the word “hit” will be absolutely filthy in 750 years and “fuck” will be completely clean and accepted. Will “fuck” one day go mainstream like Elvis Presley…or Metallica even. Hmmmm.

Because if it does ever happen then I think that’d be pretty fucking ironic.