Funny observations from my new office…

So I’ve spent the last 2 months, studiously observing the new corporate jungle I’ve plunged into and I feel the time has finally come to share a few Sociological observations.

Firstly, I’ve become acquainted with a few new bathroom habits from some of my new coworkers.

#1 “I can’t take this fucking headset off…EVER!”

This person is characterized perfectly by the gentleman that I saw walk into the Men’s Room carrying a cup of coffee and participating in a in-depth conference call with some colleagues. He walks in, deep in conversation, sits his coffee cup on the back of the urinal…I’m going to repeat that last part for emphasis…he sits his coffee cup on the back of the fucking urinal, pulls out his junk and begins relieving himself right in the midst of the conference call.

#2 “I’m so important I can’t NOT answer my cellphone!”

This person is best exemplified by the man who walked into the stall next to mine, plopped down on the toilet and while shitting violently, proceeded to answer his cellphone.

Shitter: Hey, how are you….UUUHHHHHHHHH…today Fred?

Shitee: (garbled mumbling)

Shitter: I know, that’s exactly what I told them. If we don’t rethink our…AAAUUUUGGGHGHHHH…marketing position on this new product we’re going to end up with…YYYYAAAGGGGG…really stupid looks on our faces.

Also, one more on the topic of restroom behavior…

I seem to have noticed an ungodly amount of water literally everywhere at the sinks. Guys will wash their hands, if they do at all…classy, and then instead of drying them off, they just shake them all over the mirror, the cabinet, the sinks, the floor, the walls…and most likely the ceilings to boot. Once their hands have done a full on spastic episode only then do they reach for the paper towel dispensers.

Now, a note about multiculturalism…

My new place is very diverse…like very. My first day I sat in a orientation meeting with two Germans, four Indians, three Chinese, and one Russian. So yeah…it’s a little different than what I’m used to.

One of the new characters I’ve encountered is a man who I simply know as “crazy eyed turban guy”.

Now before you all get pissy, and accuse me of being some sort of racist asshole, I’d like to clarify my stance on people.

I don’t care where you come from, what language you speak, what color your skin is, or who you pray to…I care about how you act, and how you treat me.

I’ve been treated wonderfully by many folks from different races and nationalities, and been treated like shit by folks who lived 2 houses down the street and went to the same church I did.

Your ethnic background holds no preconceived notions for me.

So, the reason I call this guy “crazy eyed turban guy” is actually pretty self explanatory. He always wears a turban of some sort every day, which is fine…really, it’s no big deal. What is humorous to me is the fact that his eyes are ALWAYS wide fucking open. He looks like he’s just had someone pop out from under his desk and frighten the ever-loving shit out of him with a headless chicken.

Now normally I don’t think stuff like this is funny, but come on…who wouldn’t be amused by the sight of a guy walking around in a turban with a look of either pure terror, or sheer madness on his face 24 hours a day?

God knows I find it more than just a little humorous…I most likely find it funny enough for both of us.

And lastly, I wanted to share a little interoffice communication I received in my inbox this afternoon…this is the sort of thing I live for.

Do you know your Cinlach’s New Company Alphabet?
Does your P&L’s CM meet OP? Is the woman sitting next to you an IMLP, an OMLP or an FMP? If you are new to Cinlach’s New Company, don’t worry! Read on. Before you know it, you’ll be an MBB in Cinlach’s New Company lingo.

BB
Six Sigma Black Belt

M&A
Mergers and Acquisitions

CAP
Change Acceleration Process

NPS
Net Promoter Score

DPMO
Defects per Million Opportunities

OP
Operating Plan 

EMEA
Europe, Middle East and Africa

P&L
Profit and Loss

FP&A
Financial Planning and Analysis

QMI
Quick Market Intelligence

RFQ
Request for Quote

HRM
Human Resource Manager

TNA
Training Needs Analysis

IR
Industrial Relations

UR
Union Relations

VOC
Voice of the Customer

You’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell is so funny about that? Cinlach’s done lost his damn mind!”

But wait my unobservant friend…read the opening of the message closer.

For those of you who still can’t see it, I’ll assist…

Does your P&L’s CM meet OP? Is the woman sitting next to you an IMLP, an OMLP or an FMP? If you are new to Cinlach’s New Company, don’t worry! Read on. Before you know it, you’ll be an MBB in Cinlach’s New Company lingo.

Only two of those acronym’s…only fucking two of them…are explained in the body of the message.

So for those of us in the company who don’t know what the hell a “CM”, “IMLP”, “OMLP”, “FMP”, or “MBB” are then things don’t look good on us figuring them out with the help currently being offered to us.

I mean seriously, why would someone bother to include those things as examples of established lingo if they didn’t fully intend on letting anyone know what the hell they stood for?

See, that’s the sort of sillyness I was talking about.

So if anyone out there has any ideas as to what the hell any of those things mean I’d love to find out…God knows I can’t expect to find out via the avenues provided to me.