Cinlach gets “Fantasticized”…

I’m a rather spontaneous individual and so at about 8:30 Sunday night I decided I wanted to go to the movies. I even managed to somehow convince my younger brother A to accompany me.

We headed out to see Fantastic Four : The Rise of the Silver Surfer at the Greenville Camelot. Once we got our tickets and made our way inside, we began waiting for the movie to start. Listening to the tunes playing over the theater’s sound system, I started my favorite activity…”people watching”. I never fail to find some poor bastard who’s made himself/herself look stupid.

Among the throng (and by “throng” I mean no more then about 8 people total) taking in the 9:45 showing on Sunday night I noticed two folks I’d like to single out and spend a little time discussing.

First there was the guy with his wife about three rows behind us, who was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. His whole fashion statement ensemble was set off by the socks he was wearing with his sandals. Chuckling quietly to myself about the socks and sandal combination, I also happened to notice he was wearing a Bluetooth wireless earpiece for the cell phone which was perched conspicuously on his belt.

Oooooohhh…a high roller amongst us common folk. How lucky we are he deigned us worthy of his presence.

But seriously…what the fuck dude. It’s 9:45 on a Sunday fucking night…you’re at a goddamn movie theatre. If you’re anticipating a call that’s so important you have to wear your stupid little ear-thingie during the movie you’re seeing then perhaps you should’ve stayed the fuck home. No matter what you do during the day or week there’s absolutely no reason to walk around with a fucking earpiece in for your phone. Unless you’re the President or a Secret Service agent take the fucking thing off and leave it at home. In fact, please just get up and leave before I snatch that fucking thing off your self-important sandal and sock wearing goofy head and jam it and your formerly attached ear up your ass with extreme prejudice.

Give me a fucking break dude. No matter what your Mommy told you when you were little you’re not that damned important. The world will continue to rotate even without you having access to your fucking cellphone.

Second, I observed two guys coming in together. One was a very burly looking biker guy…stereotypically biker in fact. He had a long scraggly, unkempt beard, a tightly knotted pony tail, a denim shirt turned into a sleeveless wife beater, a harley hat, numerous splotchy looking tattoos on his arms and a pair of sunglasses on his face.

Did I mention the fucking movie was at 9:45? That’s PM folks, not AM. That distinction didn’t stop homeboy from totally rocking the Corey Hart “Sunglasses at Night” look. The guy with him was more “normally” dressed in a shirt and jeans.

They sat about 10 rows in front of us, carefully leaving a seat between them. I rolled my eyes…god forbid they should sit next to one another or else we all might think they were gay or something.

I imagined the exchange going something like this :

Stereotypical Biker Dude’s Friend : What about here? Is this ok Buzzsaw?

Buzzsaw : Yeah Chester, we should be able to see the righteous fire of destruction just fine from here.

Chester : Oh goodie! I can’t wait to see Galactus eat the planet! I’ll just sit right here…

Buzzsaw : Whoa man! What the FUCK do you think you are you doing?

Chester : Sitting down next to you…why, what’s wrong?

Buzzsaw : Give me some room man! Don’t be sitting all up on me like that…people will think were gay or something.

Chester : But we are…aren’t we?

Buzzsaw : Yeah, but that’s not the point. I’m not ready to be ostracized because I’m “different”.

Chester : You’re wearing sunglasses, a denim wifebeater, and covered in KKK tatoos. How much more “different” could you be?

Buzzsaw : Just shut up and pass me some popcorn. Keep this up and you won’t get no sweet, sweet lovin’ tonight.

While this humorous exchange was running through my head, I made a discovery. The movie soundsystem was playing 80’s new wave music.It was at this moment I remembered the music playing over the speakers.

This just keeps getting better…I was watching a Biker have to sit through Big Country’s “In a Big Country”, The Thompson Twins “Hold Me Now”, The Pet Shop Boys “West End Girls”, and Oingo Boingo’s “Weird Science”. I was somewhat certain that this was not his music of choice.

Buzzsaw : What the fuck kinda pansy-ass music is this?

Chester : I’m not sure, but it makes me want to shake my groove thang!

Buzzsaw : … [Glaring intensely at Chester with unrestrained rage.]

Chester : What? It’s kind of catchy. Doesn’t that make you want to get up and boogie?

Buzzsaw : Chester I swear on Hitler’s name, if you so much as shift in your seat rhythmically I’ll break your goddamn nose.

Chester : Fine, be that way…you big queen. You’re just mad because all you can do is the butterchurn.

Thankfully at this point the lights came down and the trailers started.The movie itself wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be…I actually enjoyed it. The only problem I had with the whole flick was Doctor Doom. He spent 90% of his time on screen out of costume. Which for those of you not in the know is bad. Doom never takes his mask off…ever. So to see him standing in front of the Fantastic Four talking shit to the Thing without his armor was a little annoying.

The film does a good job of conveying the constant poking and prodding between Thing and Human Torch. The Silver Surfer was awesome, and even though Galactus in comic form wasn’t in the movie you got the feeling that the entity coming to destroy Earth was a construct of Galactus and not necessarily the big purple G himself.

There were a couple of cool cameos, including Frankie Raye who in the comics becomes Nova and is also a Herald of Galactus like the Surfer.

All things considered I enjoyed my movie trip Sunday night, even though I fully expected it to suck…and I got to see a biker be subjected to Murray Head’s “One Night in Bangkok”.

That alone was worth the price of admission.