In memory of Trent Collins…

My heart broke as I read the following on Friday afternoon :

It is with deep regrets that I must inform everyone of the passing of Trent Collins.

He passed this morning at 7:30.

His Family is so grateful for everything this community has and was doing for him.

I will have information about arrangements later this weekend.

John Rojas

Trent was someone I never met. I mean, we never even talked on the phone. But I counted him as a friend just the same.

He was a member of the VALIANTFans.com message board community, same as myself.

There’s over 700 members there and we’re pretty well rabid about our love of VALIANT Comics, comics in general, movies, music…we all just have very similiar interests. We’re also very loyal to one another. Sure we argue at times, but if you need something those guys are there to do as much for you as they possibly can.

I can’t count the number of times he made me laugh…he was such a character and an absolute joy to talk to.

Trent and I usually interacted mainly via posts back and forth, the website’s chatroom, and an occasional private message. He was a great guy, very funny. His avatar on the site was rather humorous, and earned him a special nickname…

He became widely known as The Chicken Man…and “Chicken Choker” jokes were never in short supply.

He’d had some health problems and had actually been in ICU at a local hospital due to some problems. We all wished and prayed for his recovery and everyone missed him greatly.

Then one day he posted the following from the hospital :

Stay alive gems and gentsl I am out in a nurses statein due to a tornado warning and snagged a few minutes of Internet. I moved from ICU to a private room today and they think I should get out early next week!

Anfornately, I have to back to my room but am hoping to get a few minutes of Internet tomorrow.

I just wanted to apologize for the Zoom Books as I couldn’t get them out my damn organs and feel completely undependable

Take care studs,
Trent

In typical Trent fashion, still feeling the effects of his medication, he’d taken advantage of the tornado warning to get on a laptop and pop in to say hi to his friends and let them know about the status of the fan project he was putting together.

Even from the hospital, fresh from ICU, he was worried about us and making sure we knew what was going on and that he was thinking about us.

A couple of weeks ago, we got word that he was back in the hospital and this time things were worse. He’d been put into a medically induced coma and was on dialysis.

We, as a community, immediately decided we needed to do something nice for him because he meant so much to so many of us. We approached an artist on our site, the unbelievable talented Anthony Castrillo, to see if we could get him to make something special for Trent so he’d have something special from all of us when he got back home.

Anthony came through in a big way…

We even contacted a guy named Mike McGuire to hand color it using the painting technique employed by VALIANT Comics.

Unfortunately, Trent never got to see it.

But that doesn’t mean he’ll never get it.

You see, the original inks of that picture are going to be placed with Trent at the memorial service next week.

The painted piece is going to be framed and presented to Trent’s wife, Judy, as a tribute to his memory.

Trent left a little piece of himself with each and every person he touched…now we get to leave a little piece of ourselves with him forever.

So as bad as I feel right now, that thought makes me smile…and that was what Trent Collins was all about.

Rest well Trent…I’ll never forget you.

It just keeps getting better and better…

Once again, another accidentally overheard conversation…same participants as before with the exception of one new offender.

Enjoy, God knows one of us should.

A : It’s a jewish thing I think.

B : Well whatever it is it’s gross!

A : B! That’s their religion…you can’t call it “gross”, it’s insensitive. You’ll hurt his feelings talking about it that way.

B : Well have either of you ever seen one of them or been with a guy like that?

A : Actually I have, I think they’re kind of cute when they’re like that. I thought it was very nice.

B : Oh my God…what about you C? Have you ever had one like that before?

C : No I haven’t but I’m very intrigued as to what it’d be like after hearing you two talk about it.

Holy fucking hell.

Am I actually hearing what I think I’m hearing?

Are they actually talking about the uncircumcised cock of B’s boyfriend?

I do not need to know this people. Whether or not homeboy’s little friend has a hoodie is something I absolutely do not need, nor want, to know anything about.

At all.

Whatsoever.

I mean, seriously…are these people for fucking real?

Can’t they carry on these conversations while they’re somewhere a little more private then the middle of the fucking office?

Goddamn…it’s not like I can just stop going there. That place is part of where I have to do my job.

Listen, I’ve worked with primarily female coworkers for a good long time now. I’ve heard just about everything there is to hear…PMS, screaming ovaries, lack of tampons/pads in the ladies room, sensitive nipples and breasts, water retention and bloating, one-pump chumps…you name it, I’ve heard it. That is, up until this moment of course.

I absolutely cannot wait to see what new and inventive torturous information I’ll subjected to next.

Maybe one of them will get a yeast infection or something…won’t that be a glorious goddamn day.

I can hardly wait.

Cinlach’s Bald? Why the fuck didn’t ya tell me?

Recently I overheard a conversation between a couple of young ladies from another department here at my office.

A : So I’ve started seeing this new guy!

B : Really! That’s awesome…what’s he like? You’ve got to tell me everything!

A : Well he’s super sweet, wonderful eyes, has a good job making lots of money, drives a really nice car…a real gentleman. But…

B : But what?

A : Well, his entire head is shaved bald.

B : So? Does that really matter that much?

A : It’s like this…I want to know why he’s doing it…because if he’s actually bald then that’s going to be a big problem for me.

B : Why?

A : Well, I can’t see things really progressing any further if he’s actually bald. I mean, that’s just gross. Bald guys are so completely unattractive.

At this point, B notices me working nearby…I am, of course, very bald. Moments like this ladies and gentlemen are what I fucking live for.

Have you ever been in a situation where some dumbass you’re with says something extremely racially insensitive? You frantically glance around only to find someone of color within three feet of your current position, and you spend the next several moments trying to casually, discreetly, and yet forcefully tell the dumb fucker to knock it off before things get out of hand? Well that’s exactly what the next few exchanges were like between A and B.

I could feel the tension descending down into the room as B realized what was happening. Her friend A was talking about how unattractive she found bald men while there was a bald man working literally within three feet of their conversation. I more sensitive person might’ve quietly excused themselves and hurried off to the bathroom to cry quietly and die a little on the inside.

Unfortunately for them…I’m not that person.

B : Well, uh…I guess we’ll just talk about it later then.

A : Why, does it bother you? I mean he pulls off the bald head thing well…for whatever that’s worth.

B : Uh…no…uh, but there’s no need to spread your business all over the office.

At this point, I am officially about to laugh until I pass the fuck out, how the hell I managed to hold it together is a mystery that I’ll be pondering for years.

I finally had to leave the area or else I was going to piss my pants, leaving B to no doubt hurriedly whisper to her companion “Cinlach was standing right behind you and he’s BALD you dumb fucking cunt!”

Listen up folks, I’m bald. I know this…it’s not a surprise and it’s certainly not a new development. I’ve known it was coming my entire life and so I’m perfectly alright with it. My father’s bald and my maternal grandfather’s bald. So either way I knew I was fucked. For me baldness wasn’t a remote possibility, it was a goddamn certainty.

I don’t get all worked up over it…it’s simply reality. It’d be like getting pissy because the sun rises in the east instead of the south. Seriously, what’s the fucking point?

What I love about that scenario is the unbelievably awkward instant where one member of the conversation realizes that a bald man is only a few feet away while the other person discusses the “fuckability” of a another potentially bald man.

Speaking as a bald man, I wouldn’t fuck A with a stolen dick, blame it on someone else, tell everyone a third person was pushing, and give credit for the whole idea to a fourth person.

The way I figure it is this…I might always be bald, but she’ll always be a shallow, self-absorbed bitch as well.

Personally I’d much rather be bald.

An idea whose time has finally…come.

So as I’m performing my daily ritual of perusing the internet and looking for goofy shit, I stumbled upon something that I truly believe is an idea whose time has…pardon the pun…finally come.

I found a site dedicated to World of Warcraft themed hardcore pornography. Yes, that’s right. Fantasy role-playing based hardcore porn. Night Elves, Humans, Priests, Clerics, Warriors, Rogues and Wizards all fucking themselves silly while wearing chain mail, prosthetic Elf ears and carrying swords and axes.

The site in question is called Whores of Warcraft and if you’re looking for a good chuckle, or gratuitous full frontal Night Elf nudity, then this is the place for you.

So far they’ve only produced two episodes but frankly I feel like the sky’s the limit with this new amalgam of two highly popular genres. World of Warcraft boasts over 5 million monthly subscribers who pay $14.95 a month to play. That’s $74,750,00 every fucking month people. If only 1% of World of Warcraft’s subscriber base downloads an episode of Whores of Warcraft at $7.95 a pop then that amounts to $397,500. That my friends is the entrepreneurial spirit at it’s finest…and did I mention there’s hardcore fantasy themed sex?

I think these gaming pornographers are to be applauded for their efforts to combine two great tastes that obviously taste great together.

Seriously, think about how difficult is was for pornographic fantasy role players to find satisfaction using the traditonal D&D system.

Argentia : As you enter the room, you find me alone, standing on a bearskin rug, facing a raging fire. I’m wearing a loose, near transparent gown and there’s a dagger within reach on the mantle. What do you do?

Magrethon : I quietly enter the room and look about for any hidden dangers. Seeing none, I slip off my swordbelt, creep up behind you, and put my hands on your silky shoulders.

Argentia : I slowly turn to face you. My Elvish features are accentuated by the dancing firelight reflecting throughout the small stone room.

Magrethon : I reach up and tug on the neck string holding your flimsy gown.

Argentia : Ok Magrethon, so you’re going to take an action?

Magrethon : Baby, I’m going to be taking a lot of actions tonight.

Argentia : Alright then, just let me do some quick calculations.

Magrethon : Waitaminute, you’re going to make me roll on this?

Argentia : Any actions towards other players must be rolled on to determine the chance of success, the rules are quite clear Magrethon.

Magrethon : Oh for the love of the Hoary Hosts of Hogarth. Very well then make it quick. Baby, I am so hot for you right now.

Argentia : Alright Magrethon, any roll you make of 24 or over will be considered a success. and you’ll be able to take your action.

Magrethon : You’ve got to be kidding me…I gotta roll a fucking 24 to untie your gown?

Argentia : Sorry Magrethon, I just read the Dungeon Master Tables. They say you gotta roll a 24 or higher to perform this action.

Magrethon : Goddammit! Alright fine, give me the fucking dice…(shaking dice in hand)…come on 24, come to Papa.

Argentia : Ouch, you rolled a 19 Magrethon…sorry but I rebuff your clumsy advances with a flurry of my quick Elvish reflexes.

Magrethon : Shit! Goddamn it.

Argentia : Don’t get mad at me Magrethon, I can’t help that you can’t roll a simple 24 with six eight-sided die. It seems the Gods simply aren’t with you tonight.

Magrethon : Forget it, just forget it. I’m going to go watch Xena : Warrior Princess and masterbate…AGAIN.

Argentia : Oh come on, don’t be like that Magrethon.

Magrethon : Fuck you Cheryl, you frigid Elvish bitch!

Don’t you see, without the fine work of the Whores of Warcraft, this awful scenario might be repeated over and over again throughout the MMORPG community.

So may Elune bless you, Whores of Warcraft for all the fine work you do.

Now if someone will just get to work on a fan film entitled Godzilla fucks Megalon then I’ll be one happy little weirdo.