Now, normally it’s a good idea to NOT share intimate details of your life before marriage with your spouse. You get into the whole “was she/he better then me?” conversation which forces you to either lie your ass off and say “Oh no baby, they were awful…it was like sex with a corpse” or be totally truthful and say “Jesus Christ, not only did I see God but we had lunch together and he even picked up the tab”.
But it is however, perfectly acceptable to share these stories if you’re showing how completely stupid you were or what a clueless dumbfuck you might’ve been at a particular time in your life.
This is one of those “goddamn I was dumb” stories.
My cousin and I used to hang out in a little town (and by town I really mean 3 roads and 6 houses) called Connestee, SC. Everyone there was a member of one of two families…they were either a Tucker or a Fowler. Yes, it was that small.
My cousin and I hung out there quite a bit, we were in the chess club and played checkers on the weekends. You mean you’re not buying it? Ok, we drank and partied our asses off. It was fun folks…lots of fun. He lived close to Connestee and I was introduced to them through him. We had a lot of fun and unfortunately a falling out with him and another guy pretty much brought it all to an end for me as well.
So anyway, my cousin…let’s call him “Phil” (mainly because it’s his name) was dating a member of the Fowler clan. For modesty’s sake I’ll call her “T”. We’d go over to her sister’s house (we’ll call her “M”) and drink and basically do the stupid shit teenagers like to do. We’d critique porno flicks (seriously, there’s nothing funnier then a 70’s porno flick.), play quarters and generally be loud and obnoxious.
I was single at the time and while there were several girls I was interested in, they all seemed to have fellas…big fellas…big, large, protective, redneck fellas. So I pretty much kept my hands and eyes to myself because I fight like a little girl. A very sick little girl.
While everyone and their cousin (that’d be my boy Phil) was getting laid in every possible way imaginable I’d end up drinking and watching TV while everyone else practiced their tongue wrestling skills. Awkward…party of one!
One particular night, after the party had died down and everyone had bailed, Phil and T slipped off to her room for an advanced anatomy lesson. Since Phil was supposed to be at my house and I was supposed to be at his I suddenly found myself just kinda sleeping on M’s couch. It wasn’t really that big a deal, people always crashed at M’s place on the weekend. So everything seemed like a regular, everyday night of drunken debauchery.
M was a really cool person. She was smokin’ hot, free-spirited, wild and crazy, and had a occasional fuck buddy who she loved/hated in equal amounts. Sometimes they were serious and sometimes not. So regardless of what I thought about M, I never made a move or even really considered anything beyond friendship because I knew I’d end up with a broken jaw, cracked ribs or a heinous head wound…or all 3 at the same time.
So imagine if you will the scene. I’m sitting in the living room on M’s couch at about 1am all alone watching late-night TV. The only people in the house are Phil, T, M, and myself.
As I’m watching David Letterman and chuckling quietly to myself, I hear M’s bedroom door open up. I turn and see she’s in kind of a short silky nightshirt standing just inside her bedroom door. I ask her if anything’s wrong and if the TV is too loud. I mean that has to be why she’s there right?
She says the TV’s fine and then asks if I want to come lie down with her. She says she knows how uncomfortable the couch can be and wants to make sure I’m comfortable. She smiles sweetly at me.
I ponder this for a minute and then say the following…
“Nah, I’m fine here…thanks though, I’ll be ok. The couch isn’t really that bad.”
She nods silently, drops her head and heads back inside. I can hear the door to her bedroom softly shut behind her.
I sit…totally unaware of what has just happened for about 5 minutes.
Then it suddenly dawns on me…I am, in fact, a complete fucking moron.
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!
When she asked if I wanted to “come lie down with her” she wasn’t asking me to come lie down with her…she was asking me to “come lie down with her”. She was asking if I’d like to participate in a little advanced anatomy class of my own.
I had just completely and totally shot her down…I mean flames people, Hindenburg style. “Oh the humanity” and everything. She had come out there to see if I might like to play a little game I like to call “premarital sex” and I basically said I’d rather sit on the lumpy couch and watch David Letterman.
So what the hell do I do now? Do I knock on the door and apologize? Do I try and explain only to make myself look like a fucking moron? Do I sit here like a dumbass (because that’s what I am folks…a HUGE fucking dumbass) and pretend it didn’t happen?
I sat there for what must’ve been only a few minutes although it felt like hours…trying to figure out what the hell I should do. What if I was wrong? What if “come lie down with me” really just meant “come lie down with me”? What happens if I go in, get undressed and start something only to have her kick the shit out of me and then tell her big, burly friend that I’d tried to slip into bed with her?
Finally I decided the best thing I could do was just play it cool and see what tomorrow brought. I could always talk to her about it later right? I was a man…I can approach this like an adult.
Yeah, well I could’ve if I wasn’t such a gigantic pussy.
The next morning came…she said nothing, I said nothing…nothing was said and there was definitely no sweet lovin’ to be had. I had a bowl of Cheerios and she and I sat in silence at the table while we ate.
I never had another opportunity like that one. M ended up dating a guy none of us really liked. He was a prick before he was drunk and alcohol only made him an even bigger prick. He treated her like crap and she never seemed very happy.
Now, I’m not saying that one night could’ve turned into anything meaningful and lasting because like I said, she was a very free-spirited girl and despite my attraction to her we were totally different people. I mean, she was an Earnhardt fan for God’s sake.
But still…to sit here today and think about what a complete dipshit I was then boggles my fucking mind.
Way to go fucknuts…you suck.
