Country music sucks balls.

Ok, it’s official.

If I go through the breakroom to find CMT on and no one watching it one more time then the cries of the dying and wounded will echo through these halls for all eternity.

It’s bad enough to be in there working while someone’s on break and be forced to have to endure the musical masturbations of what passes for today’s country music. But to walk in unprepared and be sonically assualted by fucking Sugarland, Kenny Chesnee or Cowboy Troy is un-fucking-forgivable.

I had the misfortune of having to work in the breakroom for a few minutes and was subjected to a thoroughly unhealthy amount of modern “country music”. First up was Trace Adkins, the big 6′8 linebacker looking motherfucker who makes Toby Keith seem like a musical prodigy. His new “song” Swing! consists of the lyrics “Swing batter batter, swing batter batter, swing batter batter, swing!” over and over and over again. As I stood there trying to control the rising torrent of bile gathering in my stomach, I wondered what Ralph Stanley would think of this unbelievable shitty “song”.

The Trace Adkins onslaught abaited and was followed by Hank Williams, Jr. I breathed a little easier, at least Hank Jr was country. He was one of the original outlaws of the 70’s. He knew what country was and how to modernize it without making it sound like the goddamn Backstreet Boys. He’d never lower himself to such depths as Trace Adkins. Right?

Wrong.

As I’m listening to “That’s How They Do It In Dixie” which was a thoroughly run-of-the-mill Hank Jr song, I hear a couple of unfamiliar voices. I look up and who should I see on stage with Bocephus? Big & Rich…sweet fucking christ.

Oh but wait, it got worse…about a minute later Gretchen Wilson, the “redneck woman” herself, starts singing and I realize that Hank Jr is apparantly in desperate need of cash. Why else would he surround himself with such weak ass, shitty, country music impersonators? Fuck…was Billy Ray Cyrus too busy to fly out and do the song?

Look, I know there’s always been a cheese factor built into country music. You never had to look any farther then Porter Wagoner’s sequinned blazer to come to that conclusion. But regardless of that the music itself was country…steel guitar, fiddle, banjo, upright bass…all that shit.

The lyrics and subject matter were simple because let’s fucking face it…most of the artists were simple. Loretta Lynn and Tammy Wynette weren’t exactly fucking brilliant individuals. So i can forgive them for bringing a more simplistic type of song to the party.

Now, all the country musicians sounds like fucking pop stars. There’s no more Gatlin Brothers, no more Charley Pride…no, we get LeeAnn Rimes, Shania Twain and Faith Hill.

While they may all be beautiful women, they’re about as country as Slipknot. They don’t surround themselves with country musicians, they don’t put anything out until it’s produced and polished to near perfection, they smile and wave at their little teeny-bopper fans, the songs get played on MTV and VH1. Am I the only person who remembers George “No Show” Jones?

He’d show up for concerts if you were lucky. If you’re even luckier he wouldn’t be drunk. And if you were lucker still he might actually play a song you wanted to hear. Don’t yell songs out to him…he doesn’t like that. That’s a good way to get a profanity laced tirade directed your way.

Recording songs was a simple matter…he’d walk into a sound booth, record it in one take and leave so he could get drunk.

There was a roughness and an edge to country music that is sorely lacking in todays country/pop shitty fusion.

Country music used to be about rebellion…now, it’s all about political correctness.

The only connecting thread between today’s “country” and the true country of the past is the oppressive Velvetta-iness of it all.

Country music 15 years ago would be crucifying George W. Bush. Today The Dixie Chicks get death threats for simply saying they’re ashamed to be from the same state as the cocksucker. Their songs get pulled from country radio, they’re made into pariahs for speaking their minds.

Saying stuff about the president is immoral and unchristian…but singing songs about fucking, drinking, cheating and fighting is perfectly fine. What a bunch of goddamn hypocrites.

“She thinks my tractor’s sexy”…give me a motherfucking break.

So yeah, country music sucks big fat sweaty donkey balls.

Do yourselves a favor, if you want to hear country music…real country music…then try Hank Williams Sr., Marty Robbins, Merle Haggard or Waylon Jennings.

Because I’ve got news for you, once you hear true country music you’ll be as repulsed by the shit they’re playing now as much as I am.